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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "xfadeawaytoyoux" journal:

December 1st, 2004
11:44 pm [Link]	lol and im back again! ok well today was pretty average. biology was fucking hilarious, nicole, andy, and i talked all period about the craziest stuff. and i guess andy pissed nathan off caz nathan was like, "andy, shut the fuck up" lmao! oh man it was great. and i guess nathan and nicole have sexual tension that nicole didnt know about, haha nicole ;-). well my dad is home now, he has his good days and his bad days. they just dont think he is going to live a long life and i know he wont, so im going to enjoy the time i have with him. so heather, eric, my dad and i played euchre tonight because playing cards is really all my dad can do. And like always me and my dad fucking owned them... TWICE! yeya. im so pissed off though because we have to read this 450 page book in like 2 weeks, and i have so much other crap going on! ahh! well i cant wait till the weekend... this week is going by really slow. i dont think anything is really going on... i cant wait till christmas break... 19 more days...yep i dont think im going to do my homework, big suprise there, haha! toodles Current Mood: busy Current Music: nothing's gonna stop us now- the starting line (1 comment \| Leave a comment)
November 24th, 2004
12:13 am [Link]	just got back from the hospital.. its so hard going to see my dad now. He was still covered in IV's and tubes from head to toe. He could hardly talk at all. He was still very swollen and he couldnt focus on anything. He was still very out of it. i dont think he will even remember us being there. I went in there and grabbed his hand and he tried to talk but he couldnt very well and i just cried. i heard him say "i love you chelsea" and i just started crying even more... he couldnt keep his eyes open for long but he tried to look at me to tell me it was going to be ok... but its not going to be ok. just sitting here typing this im crying. i miss him so much and i didnt want to leave him in that fucking hospital. he looked like he was in so much pain... i just wanted to hug him and make everything ok, i wanted this all to be a dream that i would wake up from. But seeing him there with blood coming out of all these tubes and watching the screen controling his heart beat was just a reality check that i didnt want. he was trying to squeeze my hand, but he was so weak. I can still hear him now... I even see him in my mind. When he said I love you, it just killed me. my whole family is just a mess right now. my sister sara was hysterical crying, we literally had to drag her out of the hospital. It hurts to know my dad is going to be in the hospital on thanksgiving instead of with the family. right now im just so upset and i have no one to talk to. my mom and sisters went to bed. my mom has been up since like 4 this morning. Im not going to school tomarrow, i just need to be here with my mom and sisters. we are going to see my dad tomarrow 2 times. i just wish i could stay there with him... and not have him be all alone in a hospital bed listening to the sound of the heart moniter. besides my family and a few friends i just feel so alone, almost like i have no one who cares. i wont be able to sleep tonight i know that... Current Mood: scared Current Music: There you'll be- faith hill (Leave a comment)
November 23rd, 2004
05:16 pm [Link]	nothing is going to be okay... my heart has been ripped out already and now i just hate my life. today was just so stressful. i was at the hospital for like 8 hours and im going back a little later tonight for awhile. my dad was so scared before surgery he was crying, and it killed me to see that. my mom told me that before he went in he told her that he was sorry for everything he has done wrong and that he was sorry for any pain he has ever caused my mom, me, and my sisters. he said if he died that he wanted my mom to tell my sisters and i that he wished he was a better father and that he loved us. While i was in the waiting room a million thoughts were going through my head, and it was all kind of a blur. i just made myself physically sick worrying. My dad was in surgery for 6 hours and my family and i went to talk to his doctor. he said that my dads surgery was probably the hardest one he has done. The surgery was suppose to consist of them taking veins out of his legs and attaching them from the arteries to his heart where the blood isnt flowing, but they said his arteries were so hard and veins were so small that it was very difficult. they wouldnt tell us much, they dont know if the surgery will do any good for the future or not, but if it doesnt do anything to help him, they wont do another surgery... things are just so hard, im so scared for my dad. he is going to be in the hospital a minimum of 5 days, but im sure it will be more. he will take 2 or more months to even recover. Finally after 6 hours i got to see him... omg i cant even tell you what i felt when i saw him, i looked at him and i just started crying. he looked awful, he was so pale, there were tubes coming out from his body everywhere, he was hooked up to a breathing machine, and there were blood tubes everywhere. He was swallowen and he couldnt even breathe on his own, he was totally out of it. i grabbed his hand and just started praying while tears just fell all over. i felt so dizzy just being there looking at all of the machines and IV's he was hooked up to. he had this huge thing coming out of his neck.i just lost it.... i fell to my knees and just cried. i finally got so sick and dizzy that i had to leave the room. we just came home for awhile to get some more sleep since we will be there for a long time tonight... its so hard to not know what is going to happen to him. i had a bad feeling about it when they said they wouldnt tell us anything about the future. i cant describe how empty, lonely, and depressed i feel. im just so dead inside. i give up on a lot of things... there is just no use in most things these days... Current Mood: sick of life,sick of evrything Current Music: what happened to us? hoobastank (1 comment \| Leave a comment)
November 22nd, 2004
10:50 pm [Link]	yea... its been awhile but i have been having a lot of problems and this was kinda the last thing on my mind... my life has gone to hell pretty much. i didnt think it was possible to hit rock bottom but i did... i cant even begin to describe the pain i feel, and how much i wish i could just run away or throw myself of a fucking cliff. im so scared, growing up i was never really close with my dad and i would always talk about how he was an asshole for everything he has done. but now that he could die and he has all these medical problems, i feel like such a horrible person for everything i have ever said. I never once saw my dad cry or be scared, but seeing him in the hospital kills me, i see tears in his eyes and fear has over come him. he knows he made mistakes, and i know he is sorry for them, and i just hope its not his time to go. Tomarrow is his triple by pass open heart surgery and i have to be at the hospital for 15 hours or more. And when i thought that things couldnt get any worse, i proved myself wrong. i lost the only guy i ever loved, because like always, there is somebody better than me. I always loved him when he felt like no one else did. I never hurt him, i would have killed myself before i hurt him. I always waited for him, and i thought things were going to be okay, but he once again found someone better. I guess i am never going to be good enough for him... its so hard to just give up the only thing in my life that made sense. I truly believed he was my soulmate, the one i knew i would love for the rest of my life. Obvisoly he just thought of me as a one time thing. The saddest part about this whole thing is that i will always love him and i will never be able to get over him. He is still all i think about, i just wish i was good enough for him... I keep thinking about how we will probably never talk again and i just cry.. i lost my best friend and the one guy i wanted to love forever. And I hate watching my family in all this pain, i hate that the only thing i feel is pain. I feel like i could just cry myself to death. I feel so empty, and the only thing keeping me sane are my really good friends. i dont know what i would do without nicole, brianna, natalie, and kristen. they are wonderful. Current Mood: depressed, in pain, lonely... Current Music: addicted- simple plan (2 comments \| Leave a comment)
November 4th, 2004
10:16 pm [Link]	bwahahaha okay, well today was pretty average. study hall in band class, WOOT! i just sat around with cathy and chelsey. in health class i had to show my video on nosebleeds, everyone was cracking up and saying it was hilarious, so thats good lol. i got to be a man in it! bwahahaha. but n-ewayz, english was sooo boring! we had the carrer center leader person come in and some students talk about the career center, me and jean just looked at eachother the whole time like "wtf is going on" lol. hmm history we had a subsitute and were suppose to be working on this textbook assignment, yea well, me, whitney, houston, kyle, and megan werent really doing the work... we kept talking about 200 pound 3 yr olds, and this lady who was a stump and who walked with her arms and could never play twister "left foot green, OH FUCK!" lmao!!! oh man i love that class. biology was ok, andy actually talked to me which was good. however nicole left me! and so did brianna! we had a thumb wrestle war in biology, i got like 5th place.. woot lol. math was boring, like always. and i had to stay after school till like 4:45 caz thats when we could get a ride home. other then that i've just been chattin online and stuff. i dont know if im going to do my history homework or not... i think i will just do it during health, har har! umm TGIF! omgomgomgogmogmgomg ok so that reminds me of a joke! ok ok ok, sooo there is a blonde and a man in an elevator. and the blonde smiles and says, "T.G.I.F", and the man says "S.H.I.T" so the blonde thought he heard her wrong, so she said it again, "T.G.I.F" and the man says once again, "S.H.I.T" so the blonde says, "sir! T.G.I.F, THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY!" and the man says, "S.H.I.T, sorry hunny, its thursday!" lmao! i love it i love it! u wanna know my fav. joke ever? why was 6 afraid of 7? caz 7, 8, 9! LMAO!!!! ok well thats all, yey for it being friday 2marow! later dayz~~~ Current Mood: giggly Current Music: made of glass- trapt (Leave a comment)
November 3rd, 2004
06:33 pm [Link]	only 2 more days... till the bomb diggity weekend! lol its so confusing, i made all these plans and i have to figure them all out. friday i think i might go shopping with whitney, not too sure yet, she wants to dye her hair. now saturday i said i was going to go laser tagging with kristen, kristen's bf, and some guy named matt lol but my mom wants me to go to kentucky so i can see my baby cousin brandon before they go to disney world. so idk what to do yet. im ganna ask kristen if we can go laser tagging from like 12 to 2, so then go straight to kentucky. hmm sunday idk whats going on. anyways i didnt go to school today, i had a doctor appt. i dont wanna go to school 2marow, then again i never do lol. i got my grades.. C, C, A, B, B, C, C, haha! oh well... i wont complain i guess. =/ ohh yea and BUSH WON!!!!!!!!! dances around in circles me and heather had a major boogie down session when we found out. lol. hmm so yep! i guess thats really all... i have to make my health video tonight... fun! and i have a shit load of consumer decisions homework. blah. im talking to chris, sarah, and brianna right now, isnt that exciting!? yesh, it is. later dayz~* Current Mood: evil hehe Current Music: disturbed- remember (Leave a comment)
November 2nd, 2004
11:25 pm [Link]	ahhh election night is making me so nervous! ok school first.... it was ok.... first period in consumer decisions we did work all period, in band we played all period, in health we did 3 worksheets, in english we didnt really do anything... we got our grades and i have B. hmm in histroy we took notes and answered questions. ok now biology i just dont understand... ok my old group me, nicole, nathan and andy, we were all real cool, but they all hate lindsey, kelly, josh, and ally (this other table in my class) and like lindsey came over and started talking to me caz she loves bush too, and now andy thinks im a "trader" im just like what the fuck?! so yea now im a trader. so retarded. and in math we took notes all period. wow what a facinating day! not! ok so then i went to the hospital after school, it was ok i guess. and now to the important shit! ELECTION! omgomgomgomgogomgomgomgomgomg! im so nervous. incase u didnt already i know, im a HUGE republican! i love politics and i follow it a lot. i love it. and i cant stand watching it, im so nervous. i fucking hate kerry, he is a dumbass hipocrite who cant make up his damn mind, just becaz he won 3 purple hearts, doesnt make him a "great" president. ugh! ok well electorial votes bush is 246 and kerry is 199... and its all about ohio right now... and since its my state, i just hope bush wins ohio... if bush wins ohio then the best kerry can do is a tie... im just nervous beyond belief right now... seriously if kerry wins, im just ganna cry and be sick. well thats really all i have to say, i wont sleep until i know who the president... i am off school 2marow :) gotta love doctor appts... blah Current Mood: VERY NERVOUS!! Current Music: THE SOUND OF THE ELECTION!! (Leave a comment)
November 1st, 2004
09:17 pm [Link]	another monday... today had it's good and bad points. i was so pissed in consumer decisions, im not even going to get into it! band was ok, pretty boring, health class we took notes so i colored a picture of flowers :) english hmmm... OH YEA! we got new seats and im soooooo happy!!! i use to sit next to these 2 losers, 1 was the kid who said he was going to steal my soul, and another 1 is this smelly loser kid with a unibrow! and the other kid at our table did tabacco the whole fucking period, and he was always high or stoned and shit. it was crazy! hmm history... we did a worksheet with partners, so of course i worked with natalie! my real biology teacher mrs. dursik is back, we had mr. reed for the first 9 weeks. shes pretty cool, she lets us sit where ever we want as long as we dont cause trouble, so i sit with nicole, andy, and nathan. in math we got new seats, i was soooo mad! i use to sit by jean, mikayla, and sarah! and now i dont sit by any of them! oh and jean has an asian baby that sarah named ming ming su hung howe haha. other then that i took a nap after school, was on the computer, and umm i have yet to do my homework... but i have consumer decisions and math. BLAH! well thats all later dayz~* Current Mood: mixed feelings Current Music: seether with amy lee- broken (Leave a comment)
October 30th, 2004
11:53 pm [Link]	happy 10 min late halloween! muahaha sugar rush! sugasugarsugar!!! wootwoot! double you to the double o, tee! n-ewayz! 2day was cool, we watched stir of echoes, then ate pizza and candy. then we went to foys and it was cool until we got lost in a pitch black maze haunted house, got caught in a gang fight, and then having some really really creepy guy hit on me... uhh yea. but omg i love these air head extreme thingys! i had 5! hehehehehehehehe. but yep. um um um omg im about to go watch more scary movies! 2marow im going to a party! i totally forgot about it. but yep... that was my night pretty much. im ganna go.... so yea! toodles doll! tehehe later dayz Current Mood: hyper Current Music: linkin park- numb (Leave a comment)
12:29 am [Link]	SHAZAM! today was a good day. in first period we had an end of the quarter party, we had doughnuts and just sat around talking while she did grades. 2nd period we only played in band for like 10 mins so the rest of the time i just hung around with chelsey making fun of this weird ass kid in our band glass who dressed up as like the anti christ or sumthing, and he told me he was going to steal my soul haha. yea it was dress up day for halloween at school. there was a big elmo, a piece of cheese, a giant twinkie, a box, a mountain dew can, the whole scooby doo gang, it was crazy, there was some funny people. in 3rd period in health we took notes, but i just slept the whole period. 4th period english we got our grades, 82 baby! lol in 5th period we just watched a gay ass movie. hmm 6th period biology i raised my grade from a D to a B, well i guess i made my mom feel pretty bad about throwing away my leaf project... that she did it for me while i was at school and brought it in... and becaz it was so good, i got a 56 out of 50 on it. so yea i feel kinda bad now lol. but yea 7th period omgomgomg i was soooo happy!! we took this hella hard test worth 600 points and i only got a 320 or something and i thought oh shit im ganna fail math, but my total grade is a 76 omg i was so happy!!! and the rest of the period me and jean just colored caz we are in the i love crayons club :-) and we got out of school at 2:15 which was cool. so yea my lowest grade is a C. fucking yes!!! other then that i went out with heather, eric, and my mom to friendly's, and im about to go watch the changeling, this scary movie with my mom and heather. woot! 2marow is ganna be sooooo fun! were all going to haunted houses and foys and brianna is coming over, and sunday i have to do my video for health on nosebleeds lol and thats about all. so im out ~later dayz Current Mood: fucking funny!!!! Current Music: shinedown-.45 (1 comment \| Leave a comment)

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